Listening to 天空之城 heheh. What a nice and relaxing music, and yet a music which rewind so much memories in my mind. Remember there was a secret favourite website of mine which I still remember until now even though I discovered it about four or five years ago haha. It's a website with this as background music, the dark blue background colour looks so romantic with starring stars on it. If you want to have a look on it, you can just google search 爱情许愿树 by using Internet Explorer. Remember, never use other browsing webs cause it only works with Internet Explorer, even though I guess it doesn't work like last time anymore also because explorer has updated and it's already totally different now lol. But anyway, search it if you want to see it, it's a great website, for me. The website will pop out a small window for you to fill in some questions. And it will appear a long long chinese article which kind of reflecting your thought. It may not be very accurate but not counted as inaccurate also cause it really showed me my real thought without me knowing it.
And okay, feeling kind of emo right now. Remember I introduced to him this website when we were already together for few months, but his computer was too lag and slow so that was why he couldn't able to browse for it also I guess. It's a little secret of mine and it was quite rare for me to introduce someone about it haha. I just love the feeling of having my own peace time listening and looking at this website. I always had my own peace time without wanting anybody to accompany me lol. And so if you have read my previous posts you will definitely know that he was the one who changed my habit on this lol.
For the up two or three post I've said that I have to love myself more than anyone. Yeah that's right, totally right. But seriously, I miss him, the old him, not the recent him.... I really miss that a lot. But even if now I still chat with him or what, I feel that he's a total different person, he's not the one I loved anymore. I don't know why, but when I'm typing about this my tears just flow out unconditionally, right now. This is just so sad and heartbroken to think of the old him. I miss and love that old him really really much, but why, why has he died. The stupid fishy I loved, where has he gone...? Why does he want to play this game to me, why lost? Is him really died or what.
He said he still thinks that I am the one who understand him the most, but seriously? Is him sure about that, cause I feel I know nothing about him. The same person, but a totally distinct feel to me. Just one month, it just all happened in one month. Actually today is the one monthsary of us on breaking up haha. Now I don't look at bobi anymore before I sleep, all I do is talk to myself and have my own time. I don't want to depend on anything anymore, cause I know the feel of losing it, the pain we will get is equilibrium with the happiness. The happier we used to have, the more pain we will receive.
Feel like telling him to not interrupt my life anymore if he is not sure about his feeling, cause I don't want him to take me as a replacement. I don't want someday he suddenly tells me he can't give up on another girl again, I can't tolerate another betray from him anymore. I decided not to care, but the old him who I loved so much makes me not to be that harsh. My mind is just in a mess right now, can't even make clear of the situation. Don't know whether he really changes or not. Don't know is the old him really died or not. Don't know about my own feeling for the most of all.
There was once I blamed that distant was the factor to cause us to break up. But actually no, it's not the distant which matters, it is the heart. Distant is just a test for us. It helped me to look clearly at him, he's not the guy. He's not the guy who will keep you, not a guy with steady heart. The instability of his heart seriously disappointed me, so so so damn much. But what to do, I loved him. Love is stupid when it comes to betray. How do you love someone who betrayed you? Now my love is lying between myself and him, wait, not him, it's the old him. The stupid fishy who was being 100% truthful to me and manja me like nobody else.
Lol now I really don't need this anymore I guess. No guy will ever get my heart. I just have to protect myself. Myself is the only person on earth that can be relied on. Never ever trust someone that deeply. That's the lesson. Even if you really trust someone, but still not over. Leave a space for yourself cause nothing is impossible and the one who you trust the most can also betray you and leave you behind. Okay I sound so negative so yeahh, no wonder how positive is a person still they will feel this way when it comes to situations like this aghh. :'( Okay la, I'm just feeling a mess because I really miss that old him lol. The photos were all deleted and now I can't even find the traces left by that old him. He just lives in my memory and I'm feeling like this person didn't even exist at all...hahh. May be all from my imagination? Idk haha and okay bye guys. Tomorrow is holiday and finally I can get a better sleep since there's no exam wekeke. :3
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